Friday, September 26, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Geriatrics
Average age of the Palin family (including members in fetu): 15
Average age of everyone else in the stadium: 67
Average age of everyone else in the stadium: 67
An Applause of Lies!
The Republican crowd does not do a convincing job of cheering the bipartisanship part of the speech.
Edukayshun and Civil Rites
"Education is the civil rights issue of this century"
Well, good thing we solved all that business with the blacks and gays.
Well, good thing we solved all that business with the blacks and gays.
This is Awkward...
He's beating up on his party...
"We came to Washington to change it and it changed us. We lost their trust..."
"We're going to get back to basics."
"We believe in a culture of life." So does everyone except vampires.
"The rule of law"... except for reading criminals their rights.
"Government that works to make sure that you have more choices to make for yourself." Wait, now he's Pro-Choice?
"We came to Washington to change it and it changed us. We lost their trust..."
"We're going to get back to basics."
"We believe in a culture of life." So does everyone except vampires.
"The rule of law"... except for reading criminals their rights.
"Government that works to make sure that you have more choices to make for yourself." Wait, now he's Pro-Choice?
She knows where she comes from, and she knows who she works for
aaaaaand that is all she needs to know.
McCain for IMMORTALITY!
McCain for IMMORTALITY!
Fun Fact
Roberta McCain's earrings are made of the stone the old lady threw off the boat at the end of Titanic.
His Friends
Drink one shot every time he says "my friends," and you will be at GW Hospital by the end of the night. That's a campaign promise you can be sure of!
Empty seats behind McCain
This is unbelievable. This is the nominee giving his acceptance speech, and there's room behind him!
Also, Fred D. Thompson is narrating. I'm waiting for the Law and Order "bong-bong" noise.
Also, Fred D. Thompson is narrating. I'm waiting for the Law and Order "bong-bong" noise.
Tonight's Color Commentary
...will be provided by David Gergen, who during musical interludes will give performances such as this one.
Maverick: "You Never Close Your Eyes Anymore When I Kiss Your Lips"
10:20 "to all of you in the audience who stuck with me when times were rough..." and fuck you to the 97% of the people at this convention who tried to shut me down this year (and in 2000).
10:21 "to Sen. Obama... we're all Americans"... some are just more American than others
10:22 "all become are created equal..." some are just more equal than others
10:23 "and after we won, we're going to reach out our hand" but not very far, and not above our shoulders
10:24 "I know these are tough times for many of you" [audience chants] 'no it's not!'
"you're struggling to put food on the table" [audience chants] 'no we're not!'
10:25 Oh, yay, Code Pink is here. hmm actually, I think they're obnoxious to. Go bring some color to Gitmo!
10:26 Payless Palin comes out. She's sitting next to Cindy and wearing an outfit that costs $299,900 less than hers.
10:27 "She's run a small business, and worked with her hands and nose"
10:21 "to Sen. Obama... we're all Americans"... some are just more American than others
10:22 "all become are created equal..." some are just more equal than others
10:23 "and after we won, we're going to reach out our hand" but not very far, and not above our shoulders
10:24 "I know these are tough times for many of you" [audience chants] 'no it's not!'
"you're struggling to put food on the table" [audience chants] 'no we're not!'
10:25 Oh, yay, Code Pink is here. hmm actually, I think they're obnoxious to. Go bring some color to Gitmo!
10:26 Payless Palin comes out. She's sitting next to Cindy and wearing an outfit that costs $299,900 less than hers.
10:27 "She's run a small business, and worked with her hands and nose"
Maverick, you're still dangerous!
"Father.. son.. a husband... and a husband..."
"Some call him names that can't be repeated" Cunt!
"He stood on the USS Missouri and watched the Japanese surrender." This was Commodore Perry's ship in 1865, of course. Just kidding. Either way, this guy's f-ing old.
WTF, John McCain was a POW????
"in "Faith of My Fathers," John wrote" You mean "Mark Salter wrote" http://www.salon.com/news/feature/1999/10/12/salter/print.html
"He's not in it for the glory, not to please any political party..." How awkward is this for the GOP who hate him?
"Father of seven"... wow if every single McCain and Palin had an electoral vote, they could win president of 7th Heaven!
"Some call him names that can't be repeated" Cunt!
"He stood on the USS Missouri and watched the Japanese surrender." This was Commodore Perry's ship in 1865, of course. Just kidding. Either way, this guy's f-ing old.
WTF, John McCain was a POW????
"in "Faith of My Fathers," John wrote" You mean "Mark Salter wrote" http://www.salon.com/news/feature/1999/10/12/salter/print.html
"He's not in it for the glory, not to please any political party..." How awkward is this for the GOP who hate him?
"Father of seven"... wow if every single McCain and Palin had an electoral vote, they could win president of 7th Heaven!
Erecting the POWdium
9:59 The political fluffers arrive on stage to erect the podium and stimulate and arouse the crowd.
10:01 Wait, are those empty seats? Don't worry, the Palin family is working their darnedest to fill them!
10:02 Donna Brazil is 2/3 of the black population of the Xcel Center tonight.
10:01 Wait, are those empty seats? Don't worry, the Palin family is working their darnedest to fill them!
10:02 Donna Brazil is 2/3 of the black population of the Xcel Center tonight.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Well, we're about out of beer material here, but tune in tomorrow when we'll be back with more Republicans, more contributors, and way more use of the comments feature. Much like Old Spice Double Impact™™, we're making one awesome thing out of two regular things.*
*Just to clarify, awesome things = this blog, regular things = speeches by members of the Republican ticket.
In all dishonesty...
"Sarah Palin is qualified to be Vice President of the United States of America."
In all honesty...
it was probably an effective speech... mostly because someone else wrote it: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/09/02/AR2008090203337.html
"Not anticipating that McCain would choose a woman as his running mate, the speech that was prepared in advance was 'very masculine,' according to campaign manager Rick Davis, and 'we had to start from scratch."
Joe Biden, on the other hand, wrote his own:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/election2008/2008-08-27-biden_N.htm
"Aides say he had been working on the speech since Sunday, writing in longhand on yellow legal pads..."
"Legal pads" for Sarah Palin means hockey equipment.
"Not anticipating that McCain would choose a woman as his running mate, the speech that was prepared in advance was 'very masculine,' according to campaign manager Rick Davis, and 'we had to start from scratch."
Joe Biden, on the other hand, wrote his own:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/election2008/2008-08-27-biden_N.htm
"Aides say he had been working on the speech since Sunday, writing in longhand on yellow legal pads..."
"Legal pads" for Sarah Palin means hockey equipment.
Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!
Favorite moment of the night: the former mayor of New York effin' City ridiculing Democrats for being too cosmopolitan.
Oh yeah, and the Harvard-educated former governor of Massachusetts railing agains the eastern elites.
Priceless!
Oh yeah, and the Harvard-educated former governor of Massachusetts railing agains the eastern elites.
Priceless!
Palin is a "rookie who throws a shutout in the first game of the WS."
MSNBC's Pat Buchanan makes baseball reference. His tie makes 1973 reference.
Quick 10-Minute Retrospective
I can only think that the networks' footage of the pallid, permed masses swarming the RNC floor did at least as much for the Dems' chances as the speech itself did for the Repubs'.
Small Town Mayor Loves Village People
The GOP is honestly closing their convention with bagpipers and cowboy-hatted goateed black vocalists. Apparently the Republicans have Village People, too. They, however, are straighter than the GOP delegates who spent the whole speech in an Xcel Center men's room stall.
...FoxNews Alert: "Palin: If elected, you will have a friend in the White House."
...Chris Matthews said he never thought about Hillary Clinton during this speech. "They have nothing in common." No shit.
Johnny lays the praise on Palin and her soap-erific clan
He really put the "vet" in "vetting process," didn't he?
Thank you and God Bless America
..., which, if the Palins had their way, is different than Alaska
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/04/us/politics/04party.html?ref=politics
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/04/us/politics/04party.html?ref=politics
Sarah Palin will name her next child "Deeds"
"This world of threats and dangers isn't just a community and it doesn't need an organizer"... it needs a small town mayor!
"There is only one man who has ever really fought for you"... oh, right, Vietnam. Why didn't that line count when that man was "John Kerry" four yeas ago?
And don't say he wasn't tortured...
"Our nominee doesn't run with the Washington herd.."
Except that he votes with the GOP and Bush NINETY FREAKING PERCENT OF THE TIME.
some politicans just use "change to promote their careers..."
Apparently, John McCain doesn't want to be president. Whew, I was worried there for the past 8 years.
Whatever will small businesses do if the government steps in to help them provide health care?
51% Shit a brick
49% Praise teh Jebus
Law and Justice
10:57 PM: mocking someone being "read their rights" is now a Republican applause line
Note it: 10:53 PM, 9/3/2008
The first time Sarah Palin ever uttered the words "Caucasus," "Venezuela," "Saudi Arabia," or "condom"----wait, nevermind, still never said "condom."
Also, not the first time Sarah Palin has ever said "We're going to lay more pipe..."
Also, not the first time Sarah Palin has ever said "We're going to lay more pipe..."
Oil's well that ends well (that's really her accent)
The Republican candidate is bashing Big Oil and the Bridge to Nowhere at a convention filled with the people who brought you Big Oil and the Bridge to Nowhere.
Cindy daydreams about buying Wasilla, razing it, building it up again and having money left to get Sarah Palin Lazik surgery
"That luxury jet was over the top"
[Cindy sinks into chair]
[Cindy sinks into chair]
handmade hockey mom signs
so apparently these were all handed out by the campaign as people came in. what's the need for faux-organic support? isn't handmade signs something that hippies do?
She will name her next child "Veep"
"I'm not a member of the permanent political establishment."
Isn't this a convention of the "Washington elite"? Isn't this the fraking Republican National Convention?
"I'm not going to Washington to make friends. I'm going to Washington to serve the people of this great country. And to hunt the pandas." (editor's note: we support this platform)
Isn't this a convention of the "Washington elite"? Isn't this the fraking Republican National Convention?
"I'm not going to Washington to make friends. I'm going to Washington to serve the people of this great country. And to hunt the pandas." (editor's note: we support this platform)
Palin: "Advocates for children with special needs have faced relentless challenges"
Mostly from Republicans. Just sayin'.
A time to put our country first
and a time to cast away stones.
And a time to gaaaaaaaaaaather stones... for casting.
And a time to gaaaaaaaaaaather stones... for casting.
James Van Der Beek calls his "Dick Cheney"
Is Sarah Palin the stripper-teacher from "Varsity Blues"?
Yes: see photo.
No: the stripper teacher from Varsity Blues taught sex ed.
Anagrams for John McCain Maverick
Anarchic Jock Men Vim
Carjack Inch Vein Mom
Caveman Inch Jock Rim
Java Mincer Chin Mock
Plus a few thousand more, 441 of which include "cock"
John McCain cheats at cards
Maverick!
(Sarah Palin is the one in the middle. John McCain is Mel Gibson's craziness plus James Garner's age plus Mel Gibson's age as well. Times two.)
"Can you imagine how John McCain and Sarah Palin will shake up Washington?"
Um, by firing officials for not demonstrating favoritism?
By cancelling sex ed programs?
By refusing to raise their arms above their neck?
By cancelling sex ed programs?
By refusing to raise their arms above their neck?
"John McCain said: 'I'd rather lose a campaign than a war.'"
Yeah, dipshit, because that's easy to say.
Drill Baby Drill!
This chant may not have opened the RNC, but it did mark the point at which we started paying attention.
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